"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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