So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
