how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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