Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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