I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Randomize
