so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
It's blow job season.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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