i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
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