A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
