apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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