first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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