that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
