I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I just want nice things and good sex
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
