im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
