Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
