last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize