I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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