i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
