I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I puked a lego.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
