she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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