Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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