the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
