This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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