I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
