I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
She bit a glass in half.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize