New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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