Cold hands, warm shart.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
