i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
