There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Small penises have feelings too.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
