trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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