I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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