My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
