FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
