I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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