Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
