hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
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