make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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