True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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