What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
