bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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