Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
third nipple confirmed
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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