He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
