Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
