I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
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