i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
