New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
