he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Randomize
