I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
