laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
