I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
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