Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
