You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
