I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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