when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
