i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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