so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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