I am in a vortex of obligation.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
