The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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