I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Randomize
