Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
