I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Randomize
