Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
you didnt know i had herpes?
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
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