this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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