I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
