Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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