He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Randomize
