mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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