We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize
