Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
