I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
