Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I take back everything I said about communal showers
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize