rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
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