why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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